Dark Jokes
Humor that goes where polite conversation won't: death, disaster and the bleak side of life. Not for everyone, so Safe Mode hides the edgiest ones.
24 jokes
“I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.”
“My girlfriend's dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me…”
“I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend." Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."”
“What do Ted Bundy and the Space Shuttle Columbia have in common?”
They both left bodies in four states.
“What part of a vegetable are you not supposed to eat?”
The wheelchair.
“What did the boy with no arms get for Christmas?”
I don't know, he hasn't opened it yet.
“My ex had an accident. I told the paramedics the wrong blood type for her. She'll finally experience what rejection is really like.”
“My little daughter came to me all excited, saying "Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I'll be in June!"
"Oh I don't know princess, why don't…”
“My grandfather says I'm too reliant on technology.
I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.”
“When I was a kid, I made a really big sandcastle with my grandma.”
Unfortunately, that didn't impress anyone at the cremation...
“What's black and sits at the top of a stairwell?”
A paraplegic after a house fire.
“What's the difference between a baby and a watermelon?”
One's satisfying to hit with a sledgehammer. The other's a watermelon.
“I'll never forget my Granddad's last words to me just before he died. "Are you still holding the ladder?"”
“My wife divorced me so I stole her wheelchair.”
Guess who came crawling back.
“I had a granny that we couldn't decide whether to bury or cremate”
In the end we decided to just let her live.
“I've been in 15 school shootings and I was lucky to survive!”
I just had to be nice with the cops and not resist.